Updated!

Wow. I totally have stop updating my blog for sooooooo long! The last entry was like, what, last year? Oh yes. I was busy! To make it looks extreme, yes i was super super super super savers eh super duper duper duper duperrrrrr busy!! I was busy with my commitment as a student, a daughter and a girl-partner to Mr. T (well, I have to name me as girl-partner as he also has his boy-partnerssss!) Mueyhehehe :p Well guess what. I am now in a process of dieting - to lose 10kilos of weight! This is my mission for this semester (instead of achieving good results of course). Fruits and cereals are my best friend for the time being. Please be impressed with me. Mehehehe! Oh, another thing is that, I am changing my daily routine from having evening sleep, lepak-ing at restaurant into something healthier, which is having morning/evening run and gym-ing session! Oh pleaseeeeee be impressed with me! Muahahaha. Should I write more on this or you people will start to be annoyed with me? Heh heh heh.

hundred miles away

It has been a while since i last updated my entry. been busy with my commitment as a student. now i'm in the end of my semester and the end of my finals since i'll be sitting for my last paper on this coming 14th. so many things happened on this semester. losing friends, making new friends, laughs, tears, sadness, happiness, dramas and other things that have cheered up/screwed up my days in Seri Iskandar. I have friends, awesome friends i shall describe them, as my best companions here. i feel blessed.

But being hundred miles away from the love of my life is the horrible part of all. Whenever I missed him, or whenever I need him, I can't just simply start off my car and drive to meet him, whenever i feel hungry and i wanted to eat, he cannot be my food-hunting-partner like we always did before, whenever i feel bored at home he cannot come and pick me for some entertainment time. there's a lot of things we missed the chance of doing it together. sad.

but this is the price that we have to pay for our future. chasing our future and make our dreams come true. so we need to be patient and take things slowly.

i miss you love. i really miss you.

Unforgivable

Sorry love I wasn't there for you on your convocation day.

I supposed to be one of the person celebrating your convocation.

I supposed to be there for you.

I supposed to give you a bunch of flowers on that day.

I supposed to give you a giant handmade card saying :

"Congratulations honey, you made it! 3 years of struggling paid off!"

But I wasn't there.

I wasn't there because of my bad decision making.

I wasn't there because I chose to walk away from you with thousands of excuses given.

I forgot all the struggles we faced together in completing our diploma.

I forgot you were the man behind my success.

If only I can turn back times love..If only... :'(

A thousand regrets

Yesterday, after having a very huge fight with him, (again; for this week), it made me realized the fact that I'm not getting over it yet.

Why?

I'm having a problem in forgiving myself. I cannot forgive myself. And I don't see I can actually forgive myself for everything that has happened before. And I will continue to blame myself for letting it happened until the day I die, I'm sure of it. Gahhh!

Why?

Simply because it hurts me. But it hurts him ten times than it hurts me.

You see, I'm trying so hard to be the best for him, to be the girl who worths his love, to be the perfect partner for his entire life and to be the most eligible candidate as his future. I want to be that person for him. And just because of this one huge mistake I've done, it destroyed all the hopes entirely! All the nonsenses thoughts started to play around in my head like "..he deserves better than me.." or "..I'm not good enough for him.." or worst than this "..maybe we're not meant for each other.." SIGH! And this is actually how all the fights that we've been through all this while started to take place. Poor me. I just can't let it go and it affected me. It affected my self esteem to be honest.

I don't blame anyone but me. And this is the price that I gotta pay for it. But I really hope that someday, I will be able to forgive myself and let it go.

"..Don't make assumptions unless you're sure enough about it.."

I think I should have stopped writing all these privates, emotional entries and started to write something better than all of these. (I just need some space to let it out becos I usually can't find the right way to say it verbally but usually best to come non-verbally)

I need to sleep. In need of energy to keep me energetic for the class tonight.

Sayonara!

I wanna

I wanna have a bright future. I wanna be a Degree holder with excellent pointer. I wanna continue doing a Master specifically in my field. And I wanna work in an education field.

Somehow I just love Mr. Affandi's class. He's like a legend to me. I don't know why but I just adore his style of teaching. Yes, he likes to ask questions to the students during the class, but I never feel any tense during his class. He makes me wanna learn. He makes me wanna improve myself. He makes me wanna be like him someday. A knowledgeable person. And people will respect you because you have the knowledge.

Show me your secret Mr. Legend. Auww!

frustration

Some things just come across my mind. I always said that I wanna change for him. I wanna be the old me. The one who shows him extra cares, extra loves and extra attentions. But come to think about it, I don't see any changes in me. I don't see any effort that comes from me.

Why?

And I left the question being unanswered..

no-DL-recognition versus repeating

I assuming that this semester will cause me never-ending problems that eventually makes my life in chaos. Starting with Econometrics which makes me finally dropped the subject, followed by the insufficient credit hours issue for this semester, and other externals problem that seems like it has no ending, but growing. Phew! Hellooooooooo, I need some space to breath!

But come to think the good side of it, I only take six subjects for this semester and the only subject that I should give extra attention are Macro Analysis and Managerial Eco.

Relieved.

42 months

When you meet a man who treats you as his world, never let him go. He'll stay with you through thick and thin, and he'll never give up on you. You"ll need this kind of man to be your partner becos this kind of man will make you happy. This kind of man will give up his world for you.

I used to neglect this kind of man in my life before. I used to treat him badly that I ignored his feelings and all his sacrifices to me. I forgot all the hard times and good times we spent together before. All simply because I found new excitement in new place. I found myself a replacement that I thought it was real, but it was only an illusion that didn't last long. Pity me. I ruined my 4 years relationship with him for something that was fake.

Now that I've realized and back to reality, I feel bad whenever it haunted me back. I feel sorry for myself to be so stupid that I can't even see the real thing.

If only I have a power, I definitely want to rewind the times back. I don't want to even make this mistake so I don't have to regret it for almost everyday of mine. So I don't have to bear with this burden of feeling so guilty towards him that I can't even forgive myself for letting it happened. I used to be a small fish in a large pond; unnoticeable but happy. I want to be that small fish again. I only have my best three mouseketeers; Beton, Ary, Cah and my one and only partner; Thauban. But I was happy and complete. I never feel lonely. What have I done with my life? (I don't even have the answer)

Dear Love,

I am sorry for all the troubles that I have caused you before. I am sorry that I left you, I am sorry that I yelled at you, I am sorry that I always get mad at you for small reasons, I am sorry for not being a good girl for you. But I used to be one, aite? And it's not impossible at all to change back myself to be someone that I used to be, aite? I am trying so hard baby, soo hard and you gotta trust me on that. You're the greatest person ever existed in my life and it's such an honor for me to be your partner, again. Te amor.

Deep down inside.

Three weeks in Seri Iskandar doesn't seem to be like previous semester. Yeah I'm talking about the changes that I can clearly see now. Everybody is doing their own thing and taking their own ways. But hey, I've already expect this to happen. I just miss the old good times with them. We used to convoy 3-5 cars altogether to go to some places, even for lunch or dinner, we'll still be eating together. See how close we were before. But as time goes by, as we get to know each other deeper, things have changed. We messed up the friendship. There's no more Happy Sibling and Cousin2. Silly me :')

All the memories live forever in me. I can never forget each of them who had made my days last semester. Thank you for the memories. Now I have to stand on my own feet and enjoy the balance of another one year in Seri Iskandar with my awesome girls. Sayonara!

Painful

Some mistakes cannot just be forgotten becos it is impossible to be forgotten. Yes, impossible. As simple as that. And it's going to affect you for the rest of your life whether you like it or not. Oh yeah, you will never gonna like it. And it's gonna be painful to remember every bit of it for almost everyday of yours. So this is the price that you gotta pay for letting yourself making the mistakes becos it was all your fault for being so dumb to realize the real 'intention' on you. There's nothing else that you can do. Goodbye.