Friday, October 11, 2013

food for thought.

Tiba-tiba semalam aku terfikir.

Dia pinjamkan aku seseorang selama lebih 6 tahun. Untuk ada disisi aku sebagai pelindung, penyokong, sahabat, dan tempat aku luahkan segala yg aku tidak mampu luahkan pada mak, abah, adik beradik mahupun sahabat baik sendiri.

Dia pinjamkan aku seseorang dan Dia hadirkan perasaan kasih dan sayang di hati kami masing-masing. Dia izinkan kami untuk berkongsi rasa itu. Dia izinkan kami untuk menyemai hubungan yang tercipta itu dengan sesuatu yg cukup indah.

Dan semalam, Dia sedarkan aku tentang hakikat menjadi seorang hamba kepada-Nya. Hakikat bahawa segala yang dikurniakan pada kita hanyalah bersifat PINJAMAN. Dan pada bila sampai waktunya, Dia akan mengambil semula apa yang dipinjamkan pada hambaNya kerana itu bukan kita yang punya. Dalam sekelip mata, Dia boleh menarik semula apa yang telah kita semai. Dia boleh menarik semula perasaan itu.

Betapa hebatnya kuasa Dia yang Maha Berkuasa.

Walau sekuat mana kita berusaha untuk menjaganya, jika takdirnya ia tidak akan menjadi milik kita, ia akan tetap pergi meninggalkan kita kerana kita bukan pemilik sebenarnya.

Jadi apa yang perlu kita lakukan?

BERSABAR dan REDHA.

Bersabar dan redha bukan hanya di mulut, tetapi dengan sebenar-benarnya redha dengan ketentuan-Nya. Setiap yg berlaku itu adalah ujian. Kaya, miskin, sedih, gembira, semua itu ujian. Sungguh Allah suka pada mereka yang bersabar. 

Cukup aku mengejar sesuatu yg bersifat sementara. Tiba masanya aku mengejar sesuatu yang hakiki. Sesuatu yang janjinya adalah benar. Sesuatu yang bahagianya kekal. Sesuatu yang takkan pernah mengecewakan mereka yang mengejarnya.

Pasrah dengan ujian-Nya. Redha dengan ketentuan-Nya. Sabar untuk ganjaran-Nya. 

Ya Allah. Jadikan aku hamba yang sebenar-benar hamba, supaya aku tidak alpa dan lupa padaMu. Supaya aku tidak menjadikan ujianMu ini sesuatu yang menyekat langkahku untuk menjadi seorang ilmuan Islam yang berjaya suatu hari nanti. Inshaallah.

Marilah kita semua mendekatkan diri kepada-Nya. Syurga janjiNya.

MasyaAllah.

-nabilah-

Friday, April 19, 2013

puisi 20 April.

menghitung hari ketibaannya dengan rasa sabar

dikala diri asyik membuat perhitungan

dugaan datang tidak berhenti

tidak tahu dari ceruk mana datangnya

namun satu per satu menguji kesabaran diri

menguji kekuatan diri untuk membuktikan sesuatu

sepanjang proses enggan berfikir lebih

namun hati selalu jahat untuk memaksa diri berfikir

apakah dugaan yang hadir sebagai petanda kepada sesuatu?


namun diri terus diyakini

membuat hati terus yakin dengan takdir jalan yang satu ini

diri dihambat kesalan yang setinggi gunung untuk kesalahan lampau

apakah diri ini masih layak untuk peluang kedua?

namun tak henti dia meyakinkan

bahawa ini adalah takdirnya

dan keyakinan itu terlalu membahagiakan.


Dia yang menganugerahkan peluang ini sekali lagi

agar dia mahupun aku tidak membuang sepi kasih sayang yang telah dibina

moga kasih sayang ini membawa kebaikan kepada dia mahupun aku

membawa kegembiraan kepada insan terdekat

dan moga ia berkekalan sehingga saat malaikat maut datang menjemput.


Selamat ulangtahun ke-6 perkenalan awak dan saya,

Semoga kenangan yang tercipta kekal di kotak ingatan.

Semoga nama yang terukir di hatimu sentiasa tertulis 'Nabilah'.

Semoga nama yang terukir di hatiku sentiasa tertulis 'Thauban'.



Salam sayang penuh kerinduan dari bumi Bangi, Selangor.


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

What took me so long to write?

Surprisingly, the issues were always the same. You would laugh your lungs out if you read my previously secret posts three, fours years back on how sad i was feeling on that time. I can't believe i remain to be the same person with the same problems to handle with after few years. Can you see my loyalty towards that thing? Damn. I really need to improvise, at least on other issue. Come on.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

patient

I don't know what should I do. Too much care will hurt me. Care less will hurt me either. Both will hurt me that's for sure. People said what's the point of staying if you just get hurt. Some part of me says Yes I should listen to it. But some part of me says Don't. I need to be extra patient for he has been patient with me longer than what I go through now. He had faced whatever I faced today. He had felt whatever I felt today.

But I am sad.

So sad.

Sad.


after all this while

I wonder where I go wrong this time. I wonder whether all these happened because of me or not. I am being wondering so many things lately. So many things on head. Had to bear it all alone. No one understands. No one knows. I get tired of crying alone. I get tired of being worrying alone. I get tired of thinking this and that alone. I am all alone. Sometimes I wonder whether this is karma I've been scaring of before. I've tried to switch the negativity into a good one. Tried to make it looks positive in the process of teaching myself to be matured. But as usual, I'm failed. I am always a failure. Maybe that explains why it is happening to me. I don't know to whom I shall share the story. The only person I want to share it just don't need me at all. It is so obvious makes me feel so sad whenever I think of it. I just need to stay strong to go through all this. I just hope this is all for temporary and my patience will be paid off.

I am sad.

So sad I couldn't say any word to express my sadness except, S A D .

To Allah I turn my sadness and He knows every single thing that happened to me must have a reason behind it. A good reason of course. Whatever happen to my future, I believe in your fate Ya Allah. There's no reason for me to feel bad about it. Just don't leave me Ya Allah. Keep me strong. I know I am capable enough to handle every test You put on me. I've handled it well before.

O Dear Allah,

You are the only one who knows how I feel, what I want and what I need. I am giving all my trusts to You that every plan You have for everyone of us is the best plan we might not realize it today, but in the future, we will understand and accept the plan You had made for us was the best plan of all.

O Dear Allah,

Heal me. I don't want to live in this way, weak and pathetic. I need to be cured.

:((

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Updated!

Wow. I totally have stop updating my blog for sooooooo long! The last entry was like, what, last year? Oh yes. I was busy! To make it looks extreme, yes i was super super super super savers eh super duper duper duper duperrrrrr busy!! I was busy with my commitment as a student, a daughter and a girl-partner to Mr. T (well, I have to name me as girl-partner as he also has his boy-partnerssss!) Mueyhehehe :p Well guess what. I am now in a process of dieting - to lose 10kilos of weight! This is my mission for this semester (instead of achieving good results of course). Fruits and cereals are my best friend for the time being. Please be impressed with me. Mehehehe! Oh, another thing is that, I am changing my daily routine from having evening sleep, lepak-ing at restaurant into something healthier, which is having morning/evening run and gym-ing session! Oh pleaseeeeee be impressed with me! Muahahaha. Should I write more on this or you people will start to be annoyed with me? Heh heh heh.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

hundred miles away

It has been a while since i last updated my entry. been busy with my commitment as a student. now i'm in the end of my semester and the end of my finals since i'll be sitting for my last paper on this coming 14th. so many things happened on this semester. losing friends, making new friends, laughs, tears, sadness, happiness, dramas and other things that have cheered up/screwed up my days in Seri Iskandar. I have friends, awesome friends i shall describe them, as my best companions here. i feel blessed.

But being hundred miles away from the love of my life is the horrible part of all. Whenever I missed him, or whenever I need him, I can't just simply start off my car and drive to meet him, whenever i feel hungry and i wanted to eat, he cannot be my food-hunting-partner like we always did before, whenever i feel bored at home he cannot come and pick me for some entertainment time. there's a lot of things we missed the chance of doing it together. sad.

but this is the price that we have to pay for our future. chasing our future and make our dreams come true. so we need to be patient and take things slowly.

i miss you love. i really miss you.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Unforgivable

Sorry love I wasn't there for you on your convocation day.
I supposed to be one of the person celebrating your convocation.
I supposed to be there for you.
I supposed to give you a bunch of flowers on that day.
I supposed to give you a giant handmade card saying :
"Congratulations honey, you made it! 3 years of struggling paid off!"
But I wasn't there.
I wasn't there because of my bad decision making.
I wasn't there because I chose to walk away from you with thousands of excuses given.
I forgot all the struggles we faced together in completing our diploma.
I forgot you were the man behind my success.

If only I can turn back times love..If only... :'(

Thursday, October 20, 2011

A thousand regrets

Yesterday, after having a very huge fight with him, (again; for this week), it made me realized the fact that I'm not getting over it yet.

Why?

I'm having a problem in forgiving myself. I cannot forgive myself. And I don't see I can actually forgive myself for everything that has happened before. And I will continue to blame myself for letting it happened until the day I die, I'm sure of it. Gahhh!

Why?

Simply because it hurts me. But it hurts him ten times than it hurts me.

You see, I'm trying so hard to be the best for him, to be the girl who worths his love, to be the perfect partner for his entire life and to be the most eligible candidate as his future. I want to be that person for him. And just because of this one huge mistake I've done, it destroyed all the hopes entirely! All the nonsenses thoughts started to play around in my head like "..he deserves better than me.." or "..I'm not good enough for him.." or worst than this "..maybe we're not meant for each other.." SIGH! And this is actually how all the fights that we've been through all this while started to take place. Poor me. I just can't let it go and it affected me. It affected my self esteem to be honest.

I don't blame anyone but me. And this is the price that I gotta pay for it. But I really hope that someday, I will be able to forgive myself and let it go.

"..Don't make assumptions unless you're sure enough about it.."

I think I should have stopped writing all these privates, emotional entries and started to write something better than all of these. (I just need some space to let it out becos I usually can't find the right way to say it verbally but usually best to come non-verbally)

I need to sleep. In need of energy to keep me energetic for the class tonight.

Sayonara!


Thursday, October 13, 2011

I wanna

I wanna have a bright future. I wanna be a Degree holder with excellent pointer. I wanna continue doing a Master specifically in my field. And I wanna work in an education field.

Somehow I just love Mr. Affandi's class. He's like a legend to me. I don't know why but I just adore his style of teaching. Yes, he likes to ask questions to the students during the class, but I never feel any tense during his class. He makes me wanna learn. He makes me wanna improve myself. He makes me wanna be like him someday. A knowledgeable person. And people will respect you because you have the knowledge.

Show me your secret Mr. Legend. Auww!