Bellilypad's

hundred miles away

2012-01-12T04:05:00.002+08:00

It has been a while since i last updated my entry. been busy with my commitment as a student. now i'm in the end of my semester and the end of my finals since i'll be sitting for my last paper on this coming 14th. so many things happened on this semester. losing friends, making new friends, laughs, tears, sadness, happiness, dramas and other things that have cheered up/screwed up my days in Seri Iskandar. I have friends, awesome friends i shall describe them, as my best companions here. i feel blessed.

But being hundred miles away from the love of my life is the horrible part of all. Whenever I missed him, or whenever I need him, I can't just simply start off my car and drive to meet him, whenever i feel hungry and i wanted to eat, he cannot be my food-hunting-partner like we always did before, whenever i feel bored at home he cannot come and pick me for some entertainment time. there's a lot of things we missed the chance of doing it together. sad.

but this is the price that we have to pay for our future. chasing our future and make our dreams come true. so we need to be patient and take things slowly.

i miss you love. i really miss you.

Unforgivable

2011-11-12T02:19:00.006+08:00

Sorry love I wasn't there for you on your convocation day.

I supposed to be one of the person celebrating your convocation.

I supposed to be there for you.

I supposed to give you a bunch of flowers on that day.

I supposed to give you a giant handmade card saying :

"Congratulations honey, you made it! 3 years of struggling paid off!"

But I wasn't there.

I wasn't there because of my bad decision making.

I wasn't there because I chose to walk away from you with thousands of excuses given.

I forgot all the struggles we faced together in completing our diploma.

I forgot you were the man behind my success.

If only I can turn back times love..If only... :'(

A thousand regrets

2011-10-20T17:38:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, after having a very huge fight with him, (again; for this week), it made me realized the fact that I'm not getting over it yet.

Why?

I'm having a problem in forgiving myself. I cannot forgive myself. And I don't see I can actually forgive myself for everything that has happened before. And I will continue to blame myself for letting it happened until the day I die, I'm sure of it. Gahhh!

Why?

Simply because it hurts me. But it hurts him ten times than it hurts me.

You see, I'm trying so hard to be the best for him, to be the girl who worths his love, to be the perfect partner for his entire life and to be the most eligible candidate as his future. I want to be that person for him. And just because of this one huge mistake I've done, it destroyed all the hopes entirely! All the nonsenses thoughts started to play around in my head like "..he deserves better than me.." or "..I'm not good enough for him.." or worst than this "..maybe we're not meant for each other.." SIGH! And this is actually how all the fights that we've been through all this while started to take place. Poor me. I just can't let it go and it affected me. It affected my self esteem to be honest.

I don't blame anyone but me. And this is the price that I gotta pay for it. But I really hope that someday, I will be able to forgive myself and let it go.

"..Don't make assumptions unless you're sure enough about it.."

I think I should have stopped writing all these privates, emotional entries and started to write something better than all of these. (I just need some space to let it out becos I usually can't find the right way to say it verbally but usually best to come non-verbally)

I need to sleep. In need of energy to keep me energetic for the class tonight.

Sayonara!

I wanna

2011-10-13T19:19:00.004+08:00

I wanna have a bright future. I wanna be a Degree holder with excellent pointer. I wanna continue doing a Master specifically in my field. And I wanna work in an education field.

Somehow I just love Mr. Affandi's class. He's like a legend to me. I don't know why but I just adore his style of teaching. Yes, he likes to ask questions to the students during the class, but I never feel any tense during his class. He makes me wanna learn. He makes me wanna improve myself. He makes me wanna be like him someday. A knowledgeable person. And people will respect you because you have the knowledge.

Show me your secret Mr. Legend. Auww!

frustration

2011-10-12T20:22:00.002+08:00

Some things just come across my mind. I always said that I wanna change for him. I wanna be the old me. The one who shows him extra cares, extra loves and extra attentions. But come to think about it, I don't see any changes in me. I don't see any effort that comes from me.

Why?

And I left the question being unanswered..

no-DL-recognition versus repeating

2011-10-11T19:12:00.004+08:00

I assuming that this semester will cause me never-ending problems that eventually makes my life in chaos. Starting with Econometrics which makes me finally dropped the subject, followed by the insufficient credit hours issue for this semester, and other externals problem that seems like it has no ending, but growing. Phew! Hellooooooooo, I need some space to breath!

But come to think the good side of it, I only take six subjects for this semester and the only subject that I should give extra attention are Macro Analysis and Managerial Eco.

Relieved.

42 months

2011-10-03T22:35:00.007+08:00

When you meet a man who treats you as his world, never let him go. He'll stay with you through thick and thin, and he'll never give up on you. You"ll need this kind of man to be your partner becos this kind of man will make you happy. This kind of man will give up his world for you.

I used to neglect this kind of man in my life before. I used to treat him badly that I ignored his feelings and all his sacrifices to me. I forgot all the hard times and good times we spent together before. All simply because I found new excitement in new place. I found myself a replacement that I thought it was real, but it was only an illusion that didn't last long. Pity me. I ruined my 4 years relationship with him for something that was fake.

Now that I've realized and back to reality, I feel bad whenever it haunted me back. I feel sorry for myself to be so stupid that I can't even see the real thing.

If only I have a power, I definitely want to rewind the times back. I don't want to even make this mistake so I don't have to regret it for almost everyday of mine. So I don't have to bear with this burden of feeling so guilty towards him that I can't even forgive myself for letting it happened. I used to be a small fish in a large pond; unnoticeable but happy. I want to be that small fish again. I only have my best three mouseketeers; Beton, Ary, Cah and my one and only partner; Thauban. But I was happy and complete. I never feel lonely. What have I done with my life? (I don't even have the answer)

Dear Love,

I am sorry for all the troubles that I have caused you before. I am sorry that I left you, I am sorry that I yelled at you, I am sorry that I always get mad at you for small reasons, I am sorry for not being a good girl for you. But I used to be one, aite? And it's not impossible at all to change back myself to be someone that I used to be, aite? I am trying so hard baby, soo hard and you gotta trust me on that. You're the greatest person ever existed in my life and it's such an honor for me to be your partner, again. Te amor.

Deep down inside.

2011-09-28T20:36:00.002+08:00

Three weeks in Seri Iskandar doesn't seem to be like previous semester. Yeah I'm talking about the changes that I can clearly see now. Everybody is doing their own thing and taking their own ways. But hey, I've already expect this to happen. I just miss the old good times with them. We used to convoy 3-5 cars altogether to go to some places, even for lunch or dinner, we'll still be eating together. See how close we were before. But as time goes by, as we get to know each other deeper, things have changed. We messed up the friendship. There's no more Happy Sibling and Cousin2. Silly me :')

All the memories live forever in me. I can never forget each of them who had made my days last semester. Thank you for the memories. Now I have to stand on my own feet and enjoy the balance of another one year in Seri Iskandar with my awesome girls. Sayonara!

Painful

2011-08-27T00:21:00.002+08:00

Some mistakes cannot just be forgotten becos it is impossible to be forgotten. Yes, impossible. As simple as that. And it's going to affect you for the rest of your life whether you like it or not. Oh yeah, you will never gonna like it. And it's gonna be painful to remember every bit of it for almost everyday of yours. So this is the price that you gotta pay for letting yourself making the mistakes becos it was all your fault for being so dumb to realize the real 'intention' on you. There's nothing else that you can do. Goodbye.

Talking about my new semester in less than a month..

2011-08-24T01:21:00.004+08:00

All of sudden I am feeling so excited to return to SI. Jeng jeng jeng!! (heheee!)

But frankly speaking guys, it's actually me getting excited of moving in into a new house with my awesome girls next semester! Hahaha. I've been dreaming to shop at IKEA since last semester and everybody who's close to me can actually verify this since they have heard this thing since last semester, agagagaga. I wanna buy this, I wanna buy that, bla bla bla and most importantly I really wanna get myself a study desk from IKEA (no matter what!!) hauhauhauaa! Mak eksaited noks...auww!

Takyah teruks teruks,
simple camnie pon mak suka dahhh noksss.
Baru eksaited nak belajaq! (heheee!) :P

That's all. Gtg to sleep now. Wanna dream about me going to IKEA with my best boyfriend ever (tehehehehe!) :P

Sayonara guys!

Regret, no?

2011-08-23T03:00:00.002+08:00

Time moves so fast till I do not realize the fact that I'll be back to the place soon, so soon ...

I was super busy working with my mom for the whole 4 months of semester break and it was hell fun since I decided to just ignore the 'conflict' and not to over think about that. I was really okay with the idea of ignoring so many possibilities when I return to that place at first. However as time is getting closer for me to return, I begin to over think about it again and due to that, it's actually stressing me out! I ain't strong, I ain't cool about this. I can't talk to anyone except him since he's the only one who knows exactly the real problem I have to deal with, but it ain't cool at all to always tell him my problems. He has been such a wonderful partner to me that I won't be able to find any guy like him anymore. Trust me. He's the best (heheee!) !!

But as I'm thinking and thinking and thinking about it, I finally come out with a decision to just mute myself. Silence is the best treatment of my problem (I guess so). So I gotta learn how to keep my mouth shut and just focus on the main purpose of being there, to complete my degree (hehee!)!! So there's nothing to be worried about and I just have to enjoy my life there with anybody who loves me and still wanna be my friend.

It has been a tricky journey and I gotta deal it maturely. I'm already 22, going up to 23 in just few months, so I'm big enough to deal with my mistakes and learn from it. Allah itu Maha Mengetahui yang terbaik di setiap keburukan yang berlaku dan mengapa ia harus berlaku. Jadi tiada apa untuk dikesalkan melainkan untuk direnungi dan difahami. Sesungguhnya aku redha.

South America and backpacking.

2011-08-18T07:39:00.005+08:00

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain

I always wanted to do something out of ordinary in my life, like maybe going for a backpacking to other countries with my friends. But come to realize the fact that mom and dad will never give me permission for it, I'm thinking of pursuing my plan (no matter what) with my deary husband (like I have one right now).

Maybe, yes maybe I can do it during my honeymoon time. To be romantic with your partner doesn't really mean you gotta go to romantic places and having those romantic stuffs. Personally I think to be with someone you love is already a romantic thing to have. So no matter where you go and what you do with your partner during your honeymoon time, it doesn't matter at all. It's the time you spend together is actually matter. Auwwwww!

So for me it's so important to have a partner who can tolerate with your interests/dreams so you can always find ways to fulfill them. Don't worry, I'll tolerate with your interests/dreams too my future husband (I always pray for him to be mine)! :)

I always wanted to go to Europe for a backpacking. I even dreamed about it with my good friends when I was in Merbok. We planned to go there together but sadly I don't think I'll be able to join them because mom and dad will never let me go definitely! But lately I've been so eager to go to South American countries after I read about Maya Karin going there for a holiday. So what these countries have to offer me? Someday I'll be there, exploring these countries and finding out the answers for my question today, with my deary husband of course! Teheheeee.. Then only I'll be going to Europe. Maybe for our second honeymoon? Hahaha. Mengada kauu Nabilah!

Patagonia, Argentina

Amazon River, Brazil
(Who knows I might come across to see Anacondas?
Uuuu. I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to go there :p)

Machu Picchu, Peru

Okay I'm starting to get over excited about this. I'm afraid it won't happen because every time I get over excited over something, it will disappoint me! Something will turn me down, always! So I need to calm down and take a loooong deeeeeep breath! I have to focus with my next plan after completing my degree. Then only I can re-think/re-dream about going for a backpacking!

Sayonara guys!

Past is past and scars remain scars

2011-08-04T12:14:00.003+08:00

It hurts me so badly whenever past haunted me back.

If only I can delete some memories, I would have done it long time ago.

Nobody should be blamed for my stupid action.

I don't have any explanation about that.

And I don't know what to do.

I'm so hopeless.

:'(

The Month of Blessings

2011-08-01T13:59:00.003+08:00

Praise be to Allah, I seek for His help and forgiveness. I'm His servant with so many flaws and I've sinned against Him. Like previous years, I always wanted to have a perfect Ramadhan for myself. Wanting to improve myself to be better since Ramadan has so many rewards to offer to all Muslims. This is the only chance for me to start improving myself and get closer with Him, InsyaAllah.

So I'm taking this opportunity to wish you guys Happy Ramadan and may all of us be blessed with its mercy and blessings. Happy Fasting and Happy Tarawikh! Perform them like it is your last chance to perform them, like you may never see them again next time.

A little refreshment:)

2011-08-01T03:04:00.007+08:00

So yesterday he took me out for dinner. "..Saja nak dinner sama sama sebelum puasa.." that was his answer whenever I asked him about his plan since he already told me about wanting to have dinner together 3, 4 days earlier. Just to make the day more special, I planned to wear a skirt but had to cancel it cause my sister wore my pump shoe that I planned to wear it with that skirt. Hahahaha. Sounds funny cause I was so emotional when I had to change my outfit because of that pump shoe. Heheh. I finally went out that night with only jeans and shirt. So simple for that special night, bahahaha!

A simple hello came out from my mouth when I get into his car. He was smiling. "..Tutup mata.." Just when I close my eyes, he asked me to open up my eyes. Taaaaadaaaaaaaa! A bunch of flowers with 3 roses! Hihih. I was so surprised since he never be that romantic before. Hahah. But i was so touched that he tried to please me in many ways. Thank you darling!

"..Harinih ada 3 surprise untuk you.." So there comes my second surprise for that day. He brought me to Damirall's Grill for dinner. And what's so surprise about that? Guess what. He made a reservation for us. Table for two on the stage with candle. Hahahaha. So we're having our first candle light dinner on that night. Weeeeeee! Ok malu ok sebab saya tak pernah ada makan malam romantik macam nih. Hahaha. And again...I was surprised to see him this way..Well, he had tried his very best to please me again aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm super lucky to have him!

After having our special dinner, there comes my 3rd surprise for that day. He gave me present which he bought in Redang Island. An 'I love Redang' shirt along with a bracelet. Hehe. Thank you sooooooo much sweetheart for every effort that you showed me, for every surprise that you planned for me. Thank you sooooo much! Should I repay all these with my surprises next time! Tehehe.

There's nothing left to say. I'm super glad that we're back together. I'm super glad that our love is so strong that it can get through any obstacle that has came before or may come in future. Hey, I'm super happy with him. Should everybody is happy so this world could be the happiest place for us to stay. Hahah.

Here are some pics taken on that night. Enjoyed!

Sweet lessons.

2011-07-22T00:49:00.002+08:00

I'm making some changes with my life where I came out by making final decision this time. No more with unsure feelings about future and whether it's worth to fight for and I began to realize someone's presence in my life. How precious he is and I should have appreciated him long time ago and not mistreated him this way. I made a huge mistake. Tiada sehari yang berlalu tanpa aku menyesali kesilapan itu.....

to whom it may concern, I didn't lie to you for every single word I said to you before. All were sincerely came from my heart. You were nice to me and I appreciate your kindness. But every story must have an ending. I shall end our story before everything gets worst. I shall end our story for our own good. I shall end our story because I can feel that we're not meant for each other. I don't have the feeling to you that every soul mate has for each other. The guts to fight like many other soul mates have.. I'm sorry. This is not called as betrayal. This is what I called as destiny. Trust me. You won't understand this till you find the person that is meant for you. It's like you're trying to erase something that is written by permanent ink. You cannot. I didn't make the wrong decision. I know I'm doing the right thing. After all, blessings from mom and dad is all I want, so I can lead a happy life.

And I'm doing great. I'm falling for the same guy again. And I hope 4 years journey of us will continue till my last breath. Forgive me for hurting you. Forgive me for all my wrongdoings. You're the greatest love I ever had and I'm so thankful that I still have the chance to be with you again. I hope karma doesn't really exist becus I'm scared of it. I'll be appreciating you more, Thauban Othman! And this time I'm not scared to promise becus I know all I want is you, and no other person. This experience has taught me a lot. I've learned the lesson.

It's me, Nabilah bte Abdul Ghani, admitting her mistakes and asking for forgiveness to every person that she hurt before. I'm truly sorry..

.....

the only medium

2011-05-27T01:38:00.003+08:00

So helpless. So hopeless.

I don't know what else to do.

Everybody is trying to make me change my mind. Everybody is trying to make me see things in negative ways.

Seems like nobody is supporting my decision. Nobody is on my side.

I'm left all alone. Nobody listens to me. Nobody wants to understand me.

They even underestimate me and my decision.

I left with no faith.

I'm the one who run my life. It should be me who decides everything. Not my surrounding.

* * * * * * * * * *

I feel sad when I saw their pictures together. Tears drop.

"..I will never be able to replace her.." that was my first thought that crossed my mind.

I questioned my presence in his life.

Who am I? Can I beat her?

* * * * * * * * *

Goodnight fellas. It's time to sleep so I don't over think about my problems.

Meet My Fellas;)

2011-05-24T21:48:00.005+08:00

Mengkala bosan lalu melihat lihat gambar-gambar di talipun. Rindu membuak buak pada teman-teman di SI. Lalu ku upload gambar-gambar mereka untuk dikongsi bersama pembaca semua. Mereka lah teman-teman saya di SI. Sayang mereka;)

Meet Najwa, Din, Sarah and Me;)

Me, Najwa and Sarah

Najwa and Akak Nora

Najwa, Akak Nora, Sarah, Along and Matyie

Girl's Day Out!

On our way to Pangkor! :D

Meet Aziff;)

Meet Bukhairi and Naziff;)

What would you do?

2011-05-21T00:53:00.003+08:00

What would you do when your parents do not approve the relationship between you and your partner?
Worst than that, parents from both sides are actually not approving it.
What would you do?

Would you sacrifice you and your partner's feelings for the sake of the parents?

or

Would you just ignore the obstacles and work on it till your parents can finally accept your relationship with him?

After all,

You're the one who runs the relationship.
You're the one who will get married in the future.
You're the one who will spend the rest of your life with your partner.

What would you do fellas?

hati oh hati

2011-05-18T02:45:00.001+08:00

hati tolong jangan rapuh ya?

tolong kuat dan tolong jadi kering seperti permulaan dulu!

:'(

all of sudden..

2011-05-18T02:37:00.003+08:00

I wonder whether I'm making a right decision or not.

It's too early to judge.

Need some more time to analyze back.

Ya Allah, please guide me.

I'm so lost :'(

When I get bored...

2011-05-18T02:12:00.002+08:00

Just finished editing my blog.

It looks super cool I guess, haha.

The third break up.

2011-04-13T20:18:00.004+08:00

Kisah Superman dan Cik Orked (20/04/2007 - 9/04/2011).

Setiap yang bertemu, pasti akan berpisah. Begitu jugak lah dengan kisah percintaan aku dengan lelaki yang telah 4 tahun bertakhta di hati aku.. Tak usah ditanya mengapa. Tak usah dipersoalkan segala keputusan yang aku ambil. Kerana hanya aku yang mengerti. Hanya aku yang memahami. Kisah yang indah akhirnya bertemu pengakhirannya.. Mungkin semua menyalahkan aku, melepaskan permata yang tak mungkin ku jumpa lagi selepas ini...

Sekarang yang aku pinta adalah ruang untuk aku menyendiri. Untuk aku kembali mencari apa sebenarnya yang aku mahukan. Mungkin juga sebagai satu peluang untuk aku memperbetulkan salah aku selama ini. Aku cuba melihat perpisahan ini dari sudut positif. Siapa tahu, kelak di masa depan, masih ada jodoh buat kami, masih utuh rasa kasih sayang dan cinta kami, mungkin bertaut kembali kasih yang telah terputus ini.

Maafkan aku kerana bersikap kejam kali ini. Maafkan aku kerana bersikap mementingkan diri sendiri kali ini. Maafkan aku kerana mungkir janji terhadap kau. Ya, aku tak sebaik yang kau sangka. Aku hanya manusia biasa yang kadangkala dilukakan, yang kadangkala melukakan.

Selamat tinggal kesayangan. Kau sedikit pun tidak bersalah dalam hal ini. Namun, aku terpaksa mengundurkan diri. Salam.

:'(

New Year's Entry

2011-01-02T00:22:00.003+08:00

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011.

All the memories will always be remembered. It lives forever in me.

2010 was a great year to me.

But I hope 2011 will offer me extra joys and extra happiness to me.

I hope 2011 will be much better than the previous year.

New chapter will begin tomorrow as I'll be furthering my degree in Perak, specifically, in UiTM Seri Iskandar, Bota, Perak, majoring in Business Economics.

New environment, new campus, new lecturers, new library and of course, new friends.

I'll be staying outside the campus which means, it'll be tougher to me. I don't bring a car with me, which means, I'll be riding buses everytime I wanna go to the campus and everytime I wanna go out to Ipoh, or the nearest town. Ha ha ha. Amek kau Nabilahhhh :(

Tapi, macam mana pun, macam tula nak belajar. Soon I'll adapt with the environment and I'll be ok. No worries.

We'll see tomorrow.

Goodbye Merbok, Welcome Seri Iskandar!

Teman tak sabo nak belajar cakap perok nii :DD

Akhirnya...

2010-12-11T01:14:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah.

All praises to Allah Taala for my result. It was the highest among all the six semesters. It was a good ending for my final semester. Syukur :)

Target achieved, mission completed, he..he..

And to all my UiTM buddies, I know many of us did so well, in fact, extremely well, so here, I would like to make a special dedication to you guys, congratulations on your success! :D We have completed our three years journey of ups and downs as diploma student in UiTM Kedah, the place where thousand memories had been created. The place I'll never forget.

To one of my girl, Azwanie Saad, I'll pray for your success. Don't worry. Gambate Azwanie! :DD

To my dearest Thauban Othman, I'm so proud of you. If only you did your test 1 before, I bet you must have at least got a minus for your tax paper. Tsk tsk. But still, you did extremely well honey:) Congratulations! And thanks a lot for the radioactive shirt! I looove it! :DD

Owkay, enough with that, he..he..

Anyway, I'm officially ended my diploma.

Yay!

:DD

2010-12-02T19:48:00.000+08:00

I haven't yet started the journey as a degree student, insya-Allah, but I've started to feel like losing some of my friends when I were in UiTM Merbok. Tsk.

agradecido

2010-11-26T23:17:00.009+08:00

I feel blessed. I feel happy. I feel completed.

These are three sentences which best described my condition right now.

Except I feel nervous while waiting for the upcoming result for my final semester as well as the result for degree.

"..Mirror mirror on the wall, where will I continue doing my degree?.."

He he he.

I don't know why but I have this feeling that keeps telling me that I'll not be able to achieve my target. Feels depressed whenever I think of that. Demmit.

But I really hope it will be the other way around. I pray for my success. I pray for everyone's success. I really hope I can successfully grad with a result above than 3.5, insya-Allah.

The last day

2010-11-16T23:37:00.013+08:00

So 14th of November 2010 was my last day in Merbok. I went to Seberang Jaya with my buddies to have our last karoke-ing session together. There were all 12 people with 3 cars altogether who joined the trip on that night - Me myself Nabilah A. Ghani, my dearest Sauban Saubin, Nadia Abdullah, Harizah Hanim, Aishah Rahim, Wan Zabedah with her bf Ashraf Hashraf, Hannah Joe with her bf Azri Munckin, Kasut Oren, Seniman Md Jan as well as Bell Gillespie's. The night was awesome! We had our dinner first at Restoran Jeti 8 Beradik in Semeling.

Here are some pics taken on that night :-

"..Di mana kan ku cari ganti...Serupa denganmu..."

2010-11-11T15:01:00.002+08:00

I deserved to be punished this way.

I deserved it.

Final exam for final semester

2010-11-07T03:54:00.002+08:00

Ended up my last semester (InsyaAllah) with the toughest paper, International Business (MGT361) today. This is it. I pray for everybody's success and I hope I'll get what I want for this semester even though it seems to be tougher than I thought it will be. Sigh.

=')

2010-10-25T03:21:00.004+08:00

Kata kawan saya, bunga liar tumbuh selepas hujan.

Ia tampak cantik, tetapi ia tetap bunga liar.

Perlu berhati-hati, jika tersalah pegang, takut memakan diri.

Takut terluka jari manis kamu.

Lama saya berfikir. Ada benarnya.

Lalu saya kembali ke dunia realiti, bukan lagi fantasi.

Kembali menjaga dan menyirami bunga tanaman saya yang dijaga dan ditanam sendiri 3 tahun lalu dengan perhatian, kasih sayang, cinta, kejujuran dan kesetiaan.

Supaya ia tak layu dimamah masa, tak tumbang di muka bumi, kerana saya yang telah alpa untuk menjaganya seperti selalu, mencintai dan menyayanginya seperti yang saya lakukan 3 tahun lalu.

Selamat tinggal fantasi.

Saya harus kembali ke dunia realiti, kembali kepada apa yang telah saya perjuangkan selama 3 tahun ini, supaya ia kekal sehingga hembusan nafas saya yang terakhir.

Dia akan selalu buat saya rasa bahagia. Saya pasti=')

I wish

2010-10-22T14:36:00.002+08:00

I wish the night was longer.

I wish it had no end.

But that's only a wish.

An unfulfilled wish.

*deep long sigh*

2010-10-18T22:34:00.002+08:00

This is my first time not going back home during holiday.

Sejarah telah ku ukir. Weheheeee.

Ayahanda's Station

2010-10-17T09:54:00.003+08:00

"..You guys did fine.."

Dengan itu, berakhir sudah azab yang paling aku takuti untuk semester ini, VIVA presentation.

We were being appraised on our confident level in answering the questions, the co-operation showed as the team members and the proficiency of English language were good compared to others.

We were being advised on doing that instead of doing this, doing this instead of doing that, and the panels, they were such the coolest panels ever existed in the whole world. Hihihihi. We could have been criticized in some aspects, because we realized the mistakes we did, and I personally believe they did realized the mistakes, but they chose to look the session on the positive aspect, instead of finding the mistakes, they could have give us some advises on the proper way of doing the business plan. *I like that* (ala-ala ringtone Dada..hhihihi)

Okay, okay. I'm done exaggerating my story ;p

I'm off to bed. Semalam tidur tak lena memikirkan VIVA. Sekarang dah lega, baru shiok nak berguling atas tilam yang makin lama makin nipis tuh!

Goodbye people.

Have a good day and Happy Studying to all my u-mates! :D

dalam kepala

2010-10-16T02:55:00.002+08:00

Sesak dada memikirkan presentation VIVA ahad ini.

Susah hati mengenangkan report yang kurang meyakinkan.

Menyesal kerana sudah terlambat untuk memperbetul segala kesilapan.

Permudahkanlah urusan ku Ya Allah. Amin.

the end

2010-10-13T16:54:00.002+08:00

This is it.

The final week for my final semester has come to an end.

Esok hari Khamis. I'll be having ETR class for the last time tomorrow with Encik Sazri Kamis. My wonderful ETR lecturer ever! Baik sungguh=')

Saya memang sedih nak tinggalkan semua yang saya ada di Merbok sepanjang 3 tahun ini.

Haihhh.

Depressed

2010-10-13T02:08:00.002+08:00

Saya tiada mood untuk belajar International Business.

Esok saya test pada pukul 2 petang.

Tapi saya belum habiskan satu chapter pun.

Saya tiada mood langsung untuk belajar.

Saya semakin pemalas dari hari ke hari.

Apa perlu saya lakukan supaya saya kembali menjadi rajin seperti dahulu?

Sekurang-kurangnya rajin semasa musim tests.

Hukhuk.

Saya tertekan.

research methodology

2010-10-12T13:13:00.002+08:00

"Be accountable for the mistakes you'd caused to everyone is always the hardest part in everyone's life"

This is my first time not having myself prepared for the test. I am so nervous right now. Taktau macam mana nak jawab sat lagi = /

Pecutan terakhir

2010-10-12T01:51:00.006+08:00

I feel tired after committing myself with all the assignments and tests. My final semester doesn't seem the best for me. I didn't perform well in my tests, I didn't do well in assignments.

I feel lonely.

I feel so down.

I am not motivated to study.

I am restless.

I am homesick. I am missing mak and abah, I am missing my good times playing with Sara, Apit, Ammar, Dina and Mukry, missing all the Bonda's crew, including my siblings. I am missing each person I love in Alor Setar so badly. I wanna go home ='(

I am missing good times hanging out with my house mates. It's been quite a long time we didn't hanging out together, having our karaoke-ing session together, spending our Wednesday night for a movie and having our supper at Makbul. Hukhuk. Everybody gets busy with all the assignments and tests. Even me myself get so busy this week.

Yeah yeah. I've been busy doing all the assignments with my group mates. But feels so lucky to be in group with these persons. I cannot imagine how it will be if I had to do the assignments with others. We are sharing the same characters which I believe it did helped me to go through all the pains in completing the assignments, becos of them.

To my dearest Thauban bin Othman, I'll change. I'll change to be more friendly, be more sensitive, be more matured in handling 'those' situations in future. I will. Thanks for having your time listening to my problems. You're the best=')

It's time to wake up from nightmare and work for the finals. To maintain is always the hardest part. Gambate Nabilah!

urgh!

2010-08-04T01:34:00.006+08:00

Look.

I'm certainly not writing these craps for the purpose of seeking any attention. It's a big NO! I'm not an attention seeker, please.

I believe that today is my bad-unlucky-day even though I had just taken a slice of pizza, a plate of meatball boloignese, a bowl of mushroom soup and two glasses of pepsi with my fellas plus Amin, HEHEHEHEHE, still, I would consider that today is my bad day ever! Huh!

I seriously don't know that my notebook is full with viruses. Yeah. I'm not lying. All this while everything that is being plugged in into my notebook was okay. But today, jeng jeng jeng. I plugged in the external I borrowed from him, but I cannot opened any of the files in it. Shit. Why it must happened to his external and not mine? Hurm. I swear I feel guilty about it. He lost all the documents inside it. I feel bad but seriously saya tak tahu nak buat apenye:(

Sad:(

There's another one. But I just keep it tight in my heart where nobody have the access to enter and explore it. Hurm.

Cerita hujung minggu

2010-08-01T20:56:00.005+08:00

Seronok betul weekend kali nih. Walaupun tak balik rumah, tapi memang terisi. Ingatkan nak duk rumah je sepanjang dua hari tu kan. Tapi setiap hari keluar. He he he.

Hari khamis, lepas habis kelas, terus keluar dengan housemates balik Alor Setar sebab Ms. H nak amik laptop plus balik rumah mak Ms. B makan ikan pekasam hikhik. Sampai ke malam

jugaklah perjalanan kami bersama-sama junior Mr. H & Mr. A.

Keesokan harinya bukak-bukak mata saja Ms. H merangkap roomate terus ajak pergi berenang. Aku pon mengusulkan untuk pergi ke Tupah tapi Ms. H nak pergi yang jauh, sampai ke

Swiss Inn. Tapi akhirnya Tupah menjadi pilihan hati. Dengan tidak mandi, kami vroommm ke Intan Payong untuk lunch, he he he! Shhh...walaupun tak mandi tapi wangi dah sembur pepium banyak2 :PP Lepas dah kenyang, terus pergi ke Tupah. Mandiiiiii!!!! Air yang jernih, tak sejuk tak panas, orang pun tak ramai, memang best lah. Tapi sad. Ecah is MIA. Hukhukhuk. Bila aku tak balik, dia pulak balik. Huuuuuuu. Susah sungguh nak berkumpul cukup forum :(

Balik dari Tupah, vroomm vroomm ke Sunway bersama Mr. T menonton Chloe (hampehhh) dan Salt (Two thumbs up!). Pastu pergi makan-makan lah apalagi perut dah berbunyi. Kemudian

kami pun balik lah ke sarang masing-masing sebab hari kian larut. Ceeewah!

Hari sabtu pulak, pergi Ferringgi mandi manda. Ini part paling best lah! Kat sini kami naik banana boat dapat murah sebab abang pendek tu suka dekat Ary so dapatla sorang rm15. Huuu. Lepastu saye gedik nak naik jet ski sebab nampak best kan orang naik. Mula la suruh Ary slow talk dengan abang pendek hehehehe. Dari rm70 dapatla rm60. So sorang rm30. Naik jugakk. Okay kat sini free kena peluk dengan abang laut yang gagah perkasa sebab konon2 nak mengajar kami macam mana nak bwk kan. Hahahaha. Okay tahanla bauk ketiak yang harum semerbak mekar mewangi tu kan. Huaaaaaaaaaaa! Dah puas mandi mandi, pergi Qb pulak sbb nak carik jeans. Hhehe. Kat sini Ms. B buat drama pulak so ne no ne no carik Guardian beli Eno kat dia sebab perut tu berangin tak makan, sekali dah makan, efek pulakk.. Manja kan? Huhuhu. Lepastu mula la proses mencari seluar jeans and akhirnya dapat jugakkk. Puas hati sebab dah dapat so lepasnih tak rasa nak beli apa dah kot. Hehe.

*tula la abg pendek Ary. hehehehehe.

Sampai ke malam perjalanan kami. Letih memang letih. Tapi sumpah best. Tapi lagik best kalau Ms. Aishah Rahim turut serta. Tula....awat p balik taktau? Sad..

begini saja

2010-07-29T01:03:00.002+08:00

tercuit sedikit, gunung berapi terus meletup.

bagaimana pula jika aku yang dicuit?

pernah difikirkan kah?

sad.

Nak jugak ceqita

2010-07-26T15:09:00.003+08:00

Ah.

Got stories to share with u guys!

Updating this after having 7 hours of tiring trip from Malacca. Ceey!

1. My result for Muet 2010 :

Sadly I didn't get what I want, but it was closed to reach my target. But still......frustrating! I left with only two choices. Either to continue doing my degree in my current area, or to be exact, in business courses, or to try another shot by taking Muet for the second time. I have to make a quick decision yet I am still not sure what is the best for me. And I have to avoid making wrong decision becos time is running so fast baby, so if you don't want to be left behind alone, you have to act fast as well. Hurm. I am so in dilemma : /

2. New semester - Final semester

I don't know where it goes wrong but I don't feel happy as much as I feel it on my previous semesters. I need a lot of money and it's not fun at all.

3. A wedding trip to Malacca.

It was hell fun! Haha. Malaih nak cerita panjang =P

I think that's all for now. Need to have a rest. A good one. Good bye!

kemaskini.

2010-07-12T02:14:00.002+08:00

Hari nih, bahagiiiiaaaaa sangat.

Tapi esok lusa, sediiiihhhhhh balikk.

Kenapa perlu macam tu eh?

Untuk setiap kegembiraan yang aku dapat, ada harganya. Ada hari aku perlu bersedih untuk kegembiraan yang aku telah peroleh hari ini.

Ya, aku akui seminggu yang lepas, aku gembira seperti anak kecil.

Hidup rasa sempurna.

Tapi hari ini, untuk hampir seminggu ini, tak putus-putus masalah datang menimpa. Airmata jadi peneman saat lewat malam. Bukan untuk menagih simpati, tapi aku hairan. Setiap hari ada sahaja berita buruk yang aku terima. Lemah aku jadinya.

Tambahan pula, emosi sedikit terganggu dengan krisis dalaman, untuk sebab yang aku tidak ketahui. Adil kah? Tidak. Sedikit pun tidak adil untuk aku.

Aku rindu. Sepanjang menonton 'The Back-up Plan' sebentar tadi bersama housemates tersayang, aku jadi sebak dengan ketulusan sang lelaki menyayangi gadis pujaan. Sumpah perasaan semakin sayu.

Tapi tulah, dalam movie, semua indah. Sampai aku terkhayal sebentar sebelum kembali ke dunia nyata. Realiti tak seindah mimpi. (Bukan mimpi tak seindah realiti ya Habiyatun Nadia hehe).

Bola sudah mula. Rumah bertambah penghuni dengan kehadiran Eida, Wanie & Aien untuk sama-sama menonton final piala dunia. Ironinya, kami semua menyokong negara yang sama - Espana baby!! He he he.. Sampai sini saja cerita aku. Casillas memanggil-manggil nama aku untuk menontonnya supaya dia bersemangat untuk menjaga gawang golnya.

Maaf ya?

He he he he he!

fight for this love!

2010-05-26T00:23:00.001+08:00

Too much of anything can make you sick
Even the good can be a curse
Makes it hard to know which road to go down
Knowing too much can get you hurt

Is it better? Is it worse?
Are we sitting in reverse?
It's just like we're going backwards
I know where I want this to go
Driving fast but let's go slow
What I don't wanna do is crash, no

Just know that you're not in this thing alone
There's always a place in me you can call home
Whenever you feel like we're growing apart
Let's just go back, back, back, back, back to the start

Anything that's worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quitting's out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more

We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
If it's worth having it's worth fighting for

Now every day ain't gon' be no picnic
Love ain't a walk in the park
All you can do is make the best of it now
Can't be afraid of the dark

Just know that you're not in this thing alone
There's always a place in me you can call home
Whenever you feel like we're growing apart
Let's just go back, back, back, back, back to the start

Anything that's worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quitting's out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more

We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
If it's worth having it's worth fighting for

I don't know where we're heading I'm willing and ready to go
We've been driving so fast we just need to slow down and just roll

Anything that's worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quitting's out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more

We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
If it's worth having it's worth fighting for

sedih

2010-05-05T20:01:00.000+08:00

memang la.

Benda senang.

Tapi bergantung pada orang macam mana nak handle stress.

Aku memang tak boleh handle stress. Belajaq lah nak handle mcm mana sekalipun. Once aku dipaksa, aku hilang pertimbangan. Tambahan pula, dalam situasi yang menekan aku untuk berfikir spt tadi.

i cannot even think basic words which i always use in class for writing the answers.

Bayangkan.. Betapa sakitnya hati aku bila perasaan gelabah yang aku ada sejak azali nih menganiayai aku.

Sedih.

Tapi apa boleh buat.

Aku harap aku masih ada peluang.

........

Pengakuan

2010-05-05T11:39:00.000+08:00

Saya gemok

Harap Maklum!
:)

the last day

2010-05-04T12:31:00.004+08:00

So,

I'm done with all the papers for my fifth semester - OB, OM, HR, INVEST && ECO.

Apparently, it seems to destroy my hopes and dreams for this semester. It's getting harder because I made mistakes and I had wrongly answered some of the questions, mostly for calculation papers. Thanks to me for making it more difficult. Haih.

I did my best but I believe it's not enough. I deserve it. I swear it's frustrating. But what more can I do? I'm powerless. I cannot mark my own paper to get me all A+s. The only thing I'm capable to do right now is to pray. Pray it won't let me down. Pray it will be just the way I wanted it to be. Pray. Pray. Pray ='(

Alright.

I think I'm done being over-reacting and acted as I'm spiritually damage.

Tomorrow got speaking test for MUET at 730 am. I cannot imagine how am I going to force my brain to work early in the morning just to think for supporting ideas and how to expand my point? Haih.

Dunia. Dunia.

Hahah.

Happy Hols Everyone! =)

2010-04-18T21:00:00.001+08:00

text terakhir yang aku terima itu buat aku tak henti berfikir.

apa ya?

2010-04-14T20:22:00.003+08:00

Kalau boleh aku nak jumpak Faizal Tahir dan request untuk dia cipta satu lagu buat aku yang boleh luah kan apa yang aku rasa, rasa apa yang ada dalam hati aku nih.

Sebab?

Dari pukul 815 pm tadi aku cuba menulis sesuatu untuk menggambarkan perasaan apa yang aku tengah alami sekarang tapi rasanya sudah berkali-kali aku tulis dan padam, tulis dan padam, sebab tak betul-betul menggambarkan apa yang aku rasa sekarang. I am no good in writing. Heh

Tapi mungkin sebaris kata dari lagu Faizal Tahir ini ada kaitan nya sedikit dengan apa yang aku rasai sekarang.

"Aku lemah tanpa kamu. Ku ingin mu dampingi ku. Aku fahami aku bukan terbaik tuk diri mu."

Pathetic bukan?

Ya.

Kenapa?

... (sambil menjungkit kedua-dua bahu)

HELL 1

2010-04-06T03:29:00.004+08:00

I'm having a second thought about 'it'.

I'm not pretty sure if I deserved 'it' as I compared myself to another person who seems to be much expert and excellent on this.

I'm just an amateur trying to be an expert but at the middle of my way to get there, I'm stuck on here, starting to question myself again, should I just keep on walking on this path I've been choosing few years back, or should I step back and forget my dream on this? And find me another plan. But it's going to be tough I know :'(

I'm not good at choosing becos I always making wrong decision.

It always happened to me.

I'm a bad risk taker.

I need someone to talk to about this becos somehow it have already affected my entire plan!

I'm honestly sober right now.... :'((

I choose.

2010-03-31T14:49:00.003+08:00

I used to hate few people because of my jealousy that almost killed me. I always had this negative thinking about these people. It was a horrible feeling and I've been hiding my worry behind my super-cool-act. But the truth is, I did a little investigation on them! You know, just to get to know them, purposely. A-ah.

If I ever said to you, I'm cool about this, well, you know, just to make it clear, I lied.

But I've made up my mind today that I've to let go the negative feelings I had on these people and stop being prejudice becos...I want to. I choose to stop and walk. And throw away the insecurity that has drive me crazy all this time.

I'm feeling much better. and good. and that's it. I'm done with this entry.

Sayonara people!

hello tomorrow

2010-03-24T14:56:00.003+08:00

aku redha kalau itu takdirnya. apa yang aku perlu cuma masa. dan pengajaran yang aku terima sungguh berharga. tak boleh dibeli dan tak boleh dihuraikan. hanya aku yang memahami apa yang telah aku lalui dan hanya aku yang merasa apa yang telah aku lalui. oh, Hello tomorrow!

the casts

2010-03-17T20:34:00.003+08:00

from left : Alyson Hannigan as Lily, Jason Segel as Marshall, Josh Radnor as Ted Mosby, Cobie Smulders as Robin and Neil Patrick Harris as Barney.

This is drug, Trust me.

Wakakakakak!

quick story-telling

2010-03-17T14:48:00.003+08:00

There's so much I wanna share with you guys, but I've been very busy lately with tests, quizzes and preparation for presentations as well. So many things happened and I gotta say, I had a pretty rough week and I ran out of an energy to catch up with those things.

Hell yeah. That was last week's story.

Luckily this week everything has back to normal. I able to gain back the energy to study and to work becos I went home last week. Ha-ha-ha-ha. I reloaded my energy's tank with homemade food and feelings of being at home/restaurant was unimaginable. Yeah, it always does.

So, this week I got test result for paper OM and surprisingly, no one gets full mark and ironically nobody gets mark above 50 (over 65)! Wow! So apparently we now know that OM isn't that easy to score. Luckily we realized it before final. This is something which everyone should be aware of or it's going to be the spoiler subject for final. Tsk tsk. Mommy I'm so scared!

Speaking about test, I'm waiting impatiently for the result of HR and Invest papers. I think it went well for HR though I had wrongly answered one question, but it's okay (sobssss), but unfortunately it didn't went well for invest. I don't know. Lets just see how the results soon. Haih.

Aha, just a reminder to you guys. Sometimes it's better to leave other people alone and leave them with choices either to do the right way or the wrong way. Like what Madam Azfa always told us, life is about choices. You choose what you want. Don't be so irritating with the childish attitudes becos....it's lame! Respect other people privacy. And we're in university, not in secondary or primary school anymore. Did I hear anyone talking bad about me? Whaaaadduupppppp! Like I care

Oh yeah. I'll be sitting for MUET examination this semester yet I still don't have any book to study for that purpose. I need one since MUET is going to be my biggest determinant for my future. Oh-ho. I might buy one in Alor Setar this weeekend becos I only have RM9 in my purse now. Oowwwww, pity me! Sobsss.

So my sister is in Melbourne now having fun with her little family. I wonder when I can go there having fun with my own little family? Errrr...?? Ha ha ha. That is so long way to go Nabilah... :PP Alright I hope they're having fun enough and safe journey as well. I bet they're having fun! Ooowwwwwwwwww..... :)

Oh one more thing, and this is awesome. I am now so into the tv series - How I Met Your Mother! It is a great entertaining series and I'm suggesting you this - Please watch please please please! If you want I can give you mine. See how addicted I am with the series? Oh-ho.

Okay I'm enough with this entry. I'll be updated more in future. See ya!

One good thing about Exposis!

2010-03-05T04:08:00.004+08:00

I went to exposis last night with my buddies and we went to jalan-jalan there with an intention to cuci mata. And we bumped into this not-so-young-not-so-old man, presumed that he can read our personality based on our DOB. Interesting enough to make us stuck with him for almost an hour huh.

I really love the part when he told me I have something - a burden or something like problem inside my head which I always think of it, but I cannot explain what is it. And he asked me whether I'm ok or not. Huhu. Concern lebih nampak pakcik? Kuang kuang.

He said I'll do what I want to do. Nobody can stop me. Wow! And I really like when he gave me the example. If I had promised to go out with my boyfriend but my mom didn't allow me to do so, I'll still go out by using any way. Ha ha ha. That is soooo me! But not always like that. I still listen to my mom lah weyyy...

And he told Bulan and Ecah never ever leave me cause at the end of the day, I'll be their savior at hard times. Hahahahaha. See?!! So please la...nak keluaq mana2 nanti jgn duk lupa text aku..Hehehehe..

Nice conversation we had with that mysterious uncle. We still did not know where he came from. He's just too good at hiding his background. Damn. Haha.

current mood

2010-02-28T02:05:00.002+08:00

:'(

kini aku di tengah menuju ke akhir.

2010-02-26T02:35:00.002+08:00

yang awal itu indah.

yang tengah itu menguji.

yang hujung itu kebahagiaan.

di antara tangga-tangga menuju dari awal ke tengah itu, perlu kesabaran kamu. Namun, mungkin minima.

tapi lebih mencabar bila kamu tiba di tangga-tangga tengah ke akhir. Kesabaran perlu lebih meninggi. Ia menuntut pengorbanan dan pemahaman yang tinggi dari kamu.

Percayalah.

Untuk mencipta impian memang mudah. Namun untuk menggapainya bukan mudah.

Ini tahun terakhir kamu nabilah.

Apa guna mempersia usaha kamu selama ini jika di akhir jalan kamu mengalah kerana desakan-desakan sekeliling?

Ayuh ambil cabaran itu nabilah. Buktikan kamu bukan beromong kosong.

A future english teacher! Amin=)

ouch!

2010-02-24T10:58:00.003+08:00

i learned that expressing what you feel inside regarding some problem that hitted you to public is not a good idea. Never be a good one. Why? Because i've seen some evidences that showed me bad consequences for that action. Just look at the cases between linda-fahrin-scha. Telling the public all the unnecessaries stories which i don't think the public have the right to know. And some other evidences i'll just keep it tight in my head. Malas cerita panjang. I've learned from mistakes. Secret book sudah memadai. Kan beton kan?

al-kisah RM20

2010-01-28T20:06:00.004+08:00

There was a reasonable reason for me of buying a new hand phone which I'm using right now.

I didn't buy it because it made me cool, or something which familiar to it. what-ever.

I bought it because I had lost my phone last two semester, cause I left it on the water cooler, and someone stole it cause she was an evil and i still cursed her till today. (damn) And for the whole last semester, I've been using my nephew's phone which I never like it.

And a friend of mine, which is Harizah Hanim, told me, instead of keeping the money without buying anything and one day when I'm checking my account balance, and the money only left with RM1, I better used it to buy something expensive, at least, a-t-l-e-a-s-t, I know where the money had gone so I would not feel much regret cause last semester, surprisingly, I didn't buy anything, I only spent the money for my usage, but still the money had gone too early, just in three weeks!

See?!

He-he-he.

I'm not a good spender. In fact, RM50 is like RM1 to me. he-he. At least when I bought that hand phone, I would not feel too bad, cause whenever I see my phone, I know there is almost half of my PTPTN money behind that phone mua-ha-ha-ha. So it's okay wutt weeeeeee.

But still, it made me one of the coolest person in the whole world.

Who cares?

And now, my account balance is left with only RM20, te-he-he-he. But it's okay. Elaun makan 2hb akan masuk. So nothing to worry.

Bertahan Nabelah :P

hatred

2010-01-26T04:12:00.002+08:00

Don't you ever dare to remind me of the past. I hate it. And yeah, I hate you, still. You were a mistake I would do anything, just name it, so I can erase you from my memory, my life or whatsoever! I never trust you. Whatever you said were never true to me. You deserve to be suffered, you deserve to be punished, cause you're a bad guy, and you'll never be good. Trust me!!

nabelah as an aunty!

2010-01-19T02:36:00.007+08:00

One of the reason why I always wanted to go back to Alor Setar.

Rindu bai.

- Airina Sarra Murdani-

sampah

2010-01-16T02:12:00.002+08:00

Everyone has feelings and I'm not excluded.

I need people's understanding and consideration.

Thinking back on how some people treated me, I just don't like it.

I cannot always say what I want to say.

There are some rules I have to obey. Different people, different rules.

Sometimes I feel I've been using for their benefits.

And it's a sad thing to realize after all this time.

Crying cannot give me any solution.

But I cannot think of other way to let go all the bad feelings I have in me.

Cause there's no one to talk to.

And I only have my blog to write down all these craps.

But still it cannot comfort me the way I want to be comforted.

='(

auw~

2010-01-13T20:33:00.002+08:00

I feel like having no friends here.

Those friends I've been spending most of my time here at Merbok are all busy with their life and things are so different these days.

I have no money to go out and throw away my money like I did on the previous semesters, which is a good thing actually cause I can save up my money but it's not fun lah come on...... im bored to death! ='(

Everyday is just all the same. I went to classes, had my lunch at my dead room, watched the Japanese drama while eating, had my evening sleep, did my homework, online, online, online.

Eh, hello. Where are all the enjoyment I had? Pergi mana habis.

But at least I have interesting task to be done for HR subject which similar to PR subject for last semester. We are all have to do an interview with any company relating to HR activities at their place. and yeah yeah my group had chosen this cool place for that purpose. but I'm quite nervous if the person who'll be the 'answers person' on that day is not a Malaysian, I mean, what if the person is an American, or worst than that, a British? Gila. Loghat British paling aku tak faham! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Be prepared for that ladies. Mulai hari ini semua diwajibkan tengok British movies with no subtitles. Ceh sembang. He he he he.

Okeh honestly I'm so excited for this cause this is the only time I can use to improve, I mean, to build up my confidence to speak in English. Haru haru.

I hope that Mr.Thomas will approve our proposal so we can go to his place and seeeeee the POOL itu yang penting hehehehehe

tadaaaaaa~

transformation

2010-01-12T19:36:00.005+08:00

there's so much to tell.

having senior lecturers for this semester had impact on me cause each of them kept telling us the real life at the workplace and I was like, "..that must be hard..I'm not ready for that.."

I'm shy. I only have 30% -50% confidence in me. I'm not good in English. I'm totally stuck in communication. I'm not friendly. and I only studied for my exam, which means I had forgotten all the lessons including my part 4 subjects, in last few months only!

Seeeeeeee?!

Susah macam nih. The industries want the talented people and I'm not sure if I'm one of them.

But I must say a bunch of thanks to my OB's lecturer, Pn.Azfahanee Zakaria :)

"..I want to see some color on your face.."

"..I want the girls to wear heels during my class.."

It made me unhappy I must say. Cause it's obviously not the real me.

Having some make-up on my face and wearing heels for classes? Duh! I can't take it.

But then I tried to accept the rules in positive way so I bought this beautiful and quite costly wedges (based on my financial situation right now yeah it's costly!!) at Vincci for the purpose of attending OB classes. I wore that wedges on the 2nd class with her and I was late. So I had to walk 4,5 times faster than usual and guess what, I saw her walking approximately 500 meters in front of me and I never stop cursing myself cause I had to walk faster and faster with the 1st time ever wore wedges on that time! It was hell I tell you...hahahaha!

But now I started to like wearing wedges and agreed with her. And yeah I began to feel that wearing sandals or flip flops or anything that similar to that kind of shoes are not appropriate for classes cause attending classes is formal isn't it? :)

See. I'm changing. Hahahaha.

But make-up, ahhhh. It costs a lot of money and in my situation right now I can't afford it so I will continue wearing natural colors which means ..... hehehehehe... wait till I have money soon.. Gerard Butler will easily be mine on that time! hua hua hua :P

p/s : Kakteh, I might need your help with make-up. You're the expert one, I admit it! Hahahaha.

I'm gonna say what Pn. Azfa is trying to do is a very good effort in order to train us as the future corporate leader (hellooooo, I'm proud to say it okay hahahaha).

Thank you, I really adore you. and I wish I could be someone like you in future. Successful and complete. Now you had inspired me :)

y-e-a-h-.

2010-01-08T02:31:00.003+08:00

"..Issues.."

It distracts me.

Dear God, I'm asking for Your help.

Give me a direction. Give me a correct instinct.

I need more than love to give.

Maybe I need to learn few more things, like maybe I need to learn how to be more understanding,

or, how to be a good listener,

or, maybe I should learn how to comfort people.

I'm just too stupid before to realize that.

damn!

2009-12-27T19:33:00.002+08:00

your problem becomes everyone's problem.

troubling other people especially those who are close to you is not healthy.

i mean, you had troubling them for almost 21 years, and when the time has come for you to be more independent, you still have to depend on them, asking for something expensive, or something too much i can say, cause the system asked so.

why can't the situation becomes easy for me, for the good sake of both sides?

i don't want to be labelled as the one who likes to take advantage on someone, cause obviously i'm not.

i hate to be stuck in this situation.

but i'll deal with it slowly.

like a matured young woman deals with every problem in her life.

i will :)

selamat datang 2010!

2009-12-26T01:24:00.003+08:00

kalau orang tanya aku apa azam aku untuk tahun 2010

aku masih tercangak-cangak lagi mencari jawapan

tapi aku ada terfikir sesuatu

aku mahu menjadi seorang muslimah yang benar-benar muslimah

yang tak hanya memakai kelubung di kepala atas dasar 'aku Islam'

tapi seorang muslimah yang berusaha mendapatkan keberkatan dan keredhaan Allah dalam hidupnya sebagai seorang anak, adik, kakak, kawan dan pelajar

aku selalu mahu menjadi seorang yang lebih baik dari semasa ke semasa

tapi semakin aku mencuba semakin sukar

sebab aku perlu membuang hal-hal buruk tentang aku yang sudah sebati dengan diri

................ (diam)

tak apa. aku akan mencuba lagi :)

here, few more things i wish i could achieve during year 2010 :-

a) to lose some more weight (azam sejak azali)

b) to upgrade my cg - at least 3.5 or above than that :)

c) to grad as 1st honor :)

d) perlu dirahsiakan

rasanya itu sahaja. tumpuan lebih kepada education. tahun terakhir buat aku. aku perlukan cg yang bagus untuk memudahkan aku apply untuk degree dalam course idaman aku. aku harap aku boleh, insyaAllah :)

sejenak

2009-12-25T23:08:00.003+08:00

saja aku baca entri lama lama.

baca punya baca mata aku tertumpu pada entri yang aku tulis selepas aku selesai jawab paper LAW251 pada semester yang lepas.

aku tak keruan dek kerana jawapan yang sipi tapi tak tepat.

menggelabah kerana percaya aku tak mungkin lagi mencapai target aku untuk semester lepas kerana subjek 4 credit hours itu dah ibarat menjadi spoiler bagi aku.

tapi hari ini aku tak putus putus ucapkan kesyukuran pada Allah atas nikmat dan kesempatan yang Dia beri pada aku.

aku masih berpeluang untuk mencapai target aku.

siapa sangka subjek finance yang aku rasa paper paling susah sebab aku tak suka mengira akhirnya membuat aku tersenyum :)

dan subjek law yang paling aku bimbangi akhirnya buat aku hembus nafas lega :)

hanya tinggal tak sampai dua minggu untuk aku memulakan semester baru.

aku harap aku masih ada semangat untuk meneruskan baki dua semester yang tinggal ini.

dan aku masih mampu untuk bersaing dan mengekalkan keputusan ini sehingga aku tamat diploma.

insya-Allah :)

realization 1

2009-12-25T17:03:00.004+08:00

aku anggap kau kawan.

kawan yang aku ada di sana.

kawan yang aku percaya aku boleh ceritakan hal-hal sulit bersama kau.

tapi aku terkilan bila aku baru sedar hari ini hal yang sebenar.

kau tak pernah anggap aku sebagai KAWAN.

mungkin tak setanding dengan kawan-kawan kau di sana.

but i was so sincere when i chose to be friends with you.

tak apa lah.

siapa aku nak bising-bising bila kau tak anggap aku kawan kau pun.

kalau kau tanya aku kenapa aku perlu tulis semua nih.

satu sebab saja.

sebab aku sedih selama nih aku habiskan masa dengan orang yang tak anggap aku kawan dia.

cause i do appreciate our 'friendship' and those times we spent together.

tapi aku tak sangka persahabatan itu palsu.

hati sama hitam. tapi hati lain-lain. tapi lain kau aku tak sangka setahap itu.

tapi bila aku fikir balik.

itu kan hak kau.

kau bebas memilih siapa yang layak untuk jadi kawan kau.

dan aku tahu bila kau tak anggap aku kawan kau, itu ertinya aku tak layak pun untuk disenaraikan sebagai salah seorang kawan kau.

aku terima.

tapi aku kecik hati. ya. aku memang kecik hati.

semua sila baca

2009-11-15T20:52:00.002+08:00

always do what you're afraid to do.

.....found that somewhere in facebook, can't remember from whose page. but thank you for this:) well yeah i need to thank becuz somehow it inspires me a lot since I read that, helped me to overcome the fear I have in me.

oi aku dah try bawak avanza lah! bapak cool. tak takut dah bawak kereta besar dan tinggi dan panjang. hahahaha.

okeh tuh ja motif sebenarnya. nak cakap aku dah berani bawak avanza. lepasnie giliran wish pulak. buleh kot kakna,abang adi? hahahaha.

2009-11-09T23:22:00.002+08:00

airmata gugur lagi

sampai lagi masanya aku menjadi terlalu rindu

namun tak mampu nak diluahkan

kerana

secara tiba-tiba sahaja ia menjadi perkara yang terlalu susah untuk aku ucapkan,

hati merasa tidak sedap sejak siang tadi,

buah hati,

khabarkan pada aku jika ada sesuatu yang mengganggu kamu

aku pasti mendengar

...

tha jour-ney

2009-11-09T22:33:00.000+08:00

2009-11-07T23:58:00.003+08:00

sekarang sudah tidak ada lagi situasi di mana adanya kesanggupan untuk gamble keluar walaupun duit saku hanya tinggal nyawa-nyawa ikan,

sekarang sudah tidak ada lagi konsep sharing is caring semata-mata untuk keluar,

sebab yang ada sekarang hanya konsep mahu semua senang dan percuma.

bye bye.

A-Love-Letter

2009-11-07T21:17:00.003+08:00

dear lover,

for every problem that I have caused you,

for every ride-of-sending-me-home that troubling you,

for every meal that you had treated me,

for every effort you had given in our relationship,

for every drop of your tears

and

for every anger you had for me because of my wrongdoings,

I am so-so-so sorry.

te amor

w h y ?

2009-11-06T23:06:00.004+08:00

sometimes what i wish for is not too hard to get it.

i was at the right track.

the signs...you know those signs we believe will lead us to what we want, were plentyyy.

and i had no doubt i can get it because i trust myself this time.

i know what i able to do.

but so unfortunately.....

please laugh, please do that booo-ing thing to me,

because it turns out to be extremely hard at the end.

and i left with no hope.

yeah, zero. i am the loser now.

i can't believe it.

.................................................

2009-11-06T17:07:00.005+08:00

mind to help me choosing which one is the best?

both are cute anyway

blackberry is rm788

and that LG phone is approx rm700

:)))))))

l e m a s s s s s s .

2009-11-06T16:18:00.002+08:00

boleh mati kebosanan duduk di sini.

ingatan pulak asyik memikirkan kertas-kertas peperiksaan yang sudah berlalu.

"..kalau lah aku jawab yang tu.."

"..kalau lah aku tak hafal 3 chapter saja.."

"..kalau lah aku amik NI bukan agency.."

haih.

apa lagi dengan kertas finance yang entah betul entah tidak jawapan aku.

sumpah Tuhan saja yang tahu perasaan aku sekarang.

aku tak rasa semester ini menjanjikan kecemerlangan buat aku.

good bye 3.5

good bye plan A.

good bye untuk semua yang aku angankan.

sudah sangat down sekarang.

:'(

girlfriends;)

2009-11-02T18:18:00.000+08:00

trying to imagine life without friends.

no matter how perfect your life is, and if you have a perfect boyfriend, and if you own such a perfect career, you still need friends though.

to be the one who listens to you, accompanies you, advises you, during your weakest time

and

to be the one to share all those secrets you can't tell your mom, your sister and even your boyfriend

and also

to be the one who laughs with you, becomes one of the reason why you feel lucky in certain days, and to be your "lesbian" partner forever

yeah, like forever and everrrrr!

i need them though i may look like i don't need one in certain things.

especially my girlfriends.

god, im so down right now.

mr.patrick

2009-10-31T03:00:00.002+08:00

kenapa awak comel sangat?

comel macam teddy bear.

hihihihi.

saya suka jumpa awak tadi.

jatuh berguling-guling.

susah nak bangun balik ni.

tolong. tolong.

perlu bangun.

nanti saya kalah dengan awak, kena ikut cakap awak.

tsk tsk.

nabelah, janji mulai besok awak study finance kayyy?

basha!

...

2009-10-25T02:01:00.002+08:00

terasa blog sungguh semak dengan entri yang sungguh banyak

lalu decide untuk save as draft sahaja

dahulukan yang mana penting

eh, bukan

publish kan apa yang benar2 perlu dipamerkan sahaja

tudia

berblogging untuk mempamer?

bukan

tapi untuk berkongsi

ahhhhh finals finals

aku belum bersedia

tapi ada target yang perlu aku capai

ecah, mari dapatkan angka cg wajib kita semester ini

buat kawankawan yang aku sayangi

selamat berjaya kalian sentiasa berada dalam doa aku

semoga Allah berkati kita semua

:)

what i wish for

2009-10-11T02:57:00.003+08:00

i wish i could be someone prettier than i am today.

.as beautiful as this scenery.

mood : gloomy

2009-08-21T02:25:00.007+08:00

"..when the silences are no longer awkward, you know you are around friends.."

- different people, different perception of what is friendship is all about

. m a l a m . i n i .

2009-08-12T23:45:00.002+08:00

saya mengaku saya memang sangat rindukan mak dan abah saya.
sudah hampir dua minggu saya tak pulang ke rumah menjenguk mereka.
malam ini ingatan saya pada mereka sangat kuat.
hingga airmata menitis tanpa sedar.
bukan tidak mahu menelefon bertanya khabar.
cuma saya hanya akan terdiam tak mampu berkata apa kerana saya tahu saya pasti akan tersentuh hati mendengar suara mereka dan hanya esakan yang akan kedengaran di hujung talian.
...................................

kepada ayahanda yang dikasihi,
Abdul Ghani Haji Salim.
dan ibunda yang tercinta,
Tunku Najmiah Tunku Abdullah.

h u r t i n g .

2009-08-08T22:27:00.002+08:00

sometimes it's not good either when you have already get used to some matter because you find no reason to feel upset or to get mad because all you can think of is you are getting familiar with the situation and you just need to calm down because everything will be back to normal but the worst will be on you as you cannot let go the madness or the anger you have in you that will finally turn out to be the tears that accompany your lonely nights with no one to talk to is near you. well, you know, it hurts. and when it comes to this level i will end up alone in the room crying over something that i have put every single efforts on it, trying to figure out what is going on and what will happen to it. it hurts me. trust me.

q u o t e .

2009-07-21T23:31:00.006+08:00

"..Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful.."

- A Walk to Remember

the other part of me.
let's just follow the flow okay.
see where it's gonna take us.
i always miss you :)

i might not be the best daughter my parents ever had.
i might not be the best sister my siblings would had.
but i would do anything for them.
because i am my parent's daughter,
i am my sibling's sister.
:)

you guys are great people to be with.
and if there's anything you need me to help you,
i'll do as much as i could.
because you guys are my true friends.
and true friends always stand for each other.

2009-07-18T13:15:00.002+08:00

I believe everyone needs sweet words in their hard times, not an anger.

And I do.

Hmph.

shengri kuaile ..

2009-02-24T01:50:00.008+08:00

a bunch of thanks for this.
i never expected anyone to celebrate my birthday.
but u guys did.
thank u so much.

Teringat pulak

2009-02-22T23:09:00.002+08:00

"..apa saja untukmu..tak ku hiraukan waktu..katakan saja..kan ku laksana..permaisuri kau bertakhta di jiwa..apa saja untukmu.. kedasar lautan biru..bertaruh nyawa andai kau damba mutiara..di hari lahirmu.."

haha. nie lagu KRU - Apa Saja. macam mana boleh ada dalam mp3 izny aku pun tatau. tak sangka izny dengar juga lagu jiwang karat macam nie. kekekeke. lagu ini sangat kenangan. hahaha. zaman form 4 yang sangat tersirat banyak kenangan manis.

lawak.

budak-budak baru nak bercinta. macam tula. haha.

oh, saya harap dia hidup baik-baik saja. sudah lama tidak ternampak batang hidung dia. 4 tahun yang lepas hanya tinggal memori. hehe.

harap dia sudah ketemu pengganti yang lebih baik dari saya(:

fall again.

2009-02-22T00:33:00.002+08:00

I jog while listened to the pogues song - I love you till the end.

and now I know from where I got the spirit to do all this.

he has been my inspiration after all this time.

maybe I started this too late. but I hope he knows why I'm doing all this.

It's because of him(:

Good night.

m a t a h a r i .

2009-02-20T15:40:00.004+08:00

kebelakangan ini aku hilang kata-kata untuk menulis. aku hilang inspirasi yang selalu membuat aku menulis. kenapa kau perlu cipta sesuatu yang akhirnya membawa kepada kemusnahan? kenapa kau perlu meniupkan angin taufan ketika cuaca begitu elok diwarnai pelangi indah? kenapa kau perlu menambah pahit ketika rasanya sudah cukup enak? diam aku tanpa jawapan kerna tak mengerti.

aku pegang kau terlalu ketat. hingga mungkin buat kau rasa sesak. lemas tak bisa bernafas. aku puja kau terlalu tinggi. hingga mungkin buat kau rasa terlalu dipuja. aku ambil sedikit waktu. berfikir dengan tenang. mungkin aku tak perlu menggenggam kau terlalu kuat. mungkin aku tak perlu memuja kau setinggi langit. aku ambil keputusan. aku perlu memberi kau ruang. sedikit demi sedikit. akan terbiasa juga aku akhirnya. memberi kau kebebasan untuk melakukan apa yang kau mahu lakukan. kata orang, kepercayaan itu terlalu penting. kalau tiada rasa percaya, tak mungkin sejuta dugaan yang Tuhan berikan, kau mampu mengatasinya.

aku tidak pernah hilang percaya pada kau. cuma di benak fikiran, aku bimbang. perasaan bimbang yang ada kerna khuatir apa yang aku pegang selama ini terlepas terbang pergi. namun andai aku pegang jua dengan kuat, pasti suatu masa kau akan terbang jua. tidak. aku tidak mahu ia terjadi. ambil lah ruang kau. aku berikan semula. ambil lah kepercayaan aku. aku tidak ragu-ragu lagi. ambil lah hati ini. ia sudah menjadi milik kau sejak dulu lagi.

sampai saat ini, aku masih belum mengalah. masih berjuang. aku beri apa yang kau pinta. aku mahu lihat kau selalu terbang gembira. bukan jatuh rebah ke bumi. andai kau jatuh sekalipun, pasti aku sambut. terbang. terbang. tapi janganlah kau lupa aku di bumi. yang setia menanti tak putus harap.

rasa ini terlalu kuat. jangan kau khuatir. aku. aku perlu lebih memahami kau bukan seperti yang lain. dan kepercayaan itu tak harus tergugat walau hanya dengan bisikan hati, walau hanya dengan lintasan jahat yang hadir sekali-sekala.

maafkan aku kerna terlalu kuat memegang kau selama ini.

selamat ulangtahun ke-22 bulan.

aku cinta kau.

part of me.

2009-01-31T15:14:00.003+08:00

I know it's deep. I'm letting go of your arm. Just let me know, if i fall will I be broken by the rocks beneath the lies. It's violence now. It's all we take our hands our tied. Our eyes awake. Will we wonder what tomorrow brings or follow the disguise. So take what is yours and leave me what is mine to have in memory of you. Because i'm losing my friend. Memories that they never tell. You can't justify the means within, to make decisions for my own and for you. You're all i have. without you i drown. You told me that you wanted something more. I can't believe you when you say. You don't care and when you're all alone and you want something more I can't believe what you say when I'm with you

He's like a drug to me. I want more and more. sigh.