I'm having a problem in forgiving myself. I cannot forgive myself. And I don't see I can actually forgive myself for everything that has happened before. And I will continue to blame myself for letting it happened until the day I die, I'm sure of it. Gahhh!
Simply because it hurts me. But it hurts him ten times than it hurts me.
You see, I'm trying so hard to be the best for him, to be the girl who worths his love, to be the perfect partner for his entire life and to be the most eligible candidate as his future. I want to be that person for him. And just because of this one huge mistake I've done, it destroyed all the hopes entirely! All the nonsenses thoughts started to play around in my head like "..he deserves better than me.." or "..I'm not good enough for him.." or worst than this "..maybe we're not meant for each other.." SIGH! And this is actually how all the fights that we've been through all this while started to take place. Poor me. I just can't let it go and it affected me. It affected my self esteem to be honest.
I don't blame anyone but me. And this is the price that I gotta pay for it. But I really hope that someday, I will be able to forgive myself and let it go.
"..Don't make assumptions unless you're sure enough about it.."
I think I should have stopped writing all these privates, emotional entries and started to write something better than all of these. (I just need some space to let it out becos I usually can't find the right way to say it verbally but usually best to come non-verbally)
I need to sleep. In need of energy to keep me energetic for the class tonight.